Anyway, she and I talked at a certain point about Friends with benefits and I therefor decided to write an article for her blog as a guest writer. So I thought I will share it with you guys as well.
Author: Avalonya
Does it really have advantages? Does it also have disadvantages? Is it
even possible? Or is it doomed to fail?
All questions I have asked myself many times before…
In a
world where we are confronted with sex on a daily basis through various media,
it’s strange how often this subject is still taboo. I am a Young, modern, independent
woman. I am not ashamed to admit I’ve had every now and then a so-called
‘fuckbuddy’. In fact I even got one at the moment.
Some may
think ‘you go, girl’, others may think ‘what a slut’. I am honest to say I
don’t care which side of this line you are on. I think that everyone can agree
with me that sex is one of the most natural and primitive needs of a human
being, but that it also is one with a lot of controversy and diversity. So
everyone should do what feels right by him/her.
Before I
started writing this article, I have watched the 2011 movie ‘Friends with
benefits’. I thought if Hollywood is brave enough to work with this subject, I
should see if it’s one of those movies drained of stereotypes or that it actually
contains some truth. It was a nice movie, but as I suspected drained with
stereotypes. Boy and girl, both lonely and ‘emotionally damaged’, become
friends. After while they decide to have sex with no strings attached. What
seems to be the perfect solution, turns into a drama when feelings get in the
way…
I ain’t
going to give away how this movie ends, you will have to find out on your own
if you have become curious. I liked the movie even though it was drained with
stereotypes. I even recognized some of the situations and parts of dialogue
between the two friends.
Advantages vs disadvantages
I
started having a ‘fuckbuddy’ quite fast after I became sexually active. I just
came out of my first steady relationship and had a rough time in my life. I am
not one of the most beautiful ladies on this world and that was quite obvious
at times. Men in my life always only wanted to be just friends, but for a
relationship I wasn’t ‘their type’. Also in this period there where enough men
who showed me the cold shoulder this way. Under influence of alcohol and drugs
I was able to throw my natural shyness over board. Men noticed this as well and
this is how I had my first one nightstand.
I found
out that it felt good to fulfill this animalistic lust and that I didn’t need
to be in a relationship to do so. Although the unbound and totally
uncomplicated side of one nightstands a big advantage was, it also had
disadvantages. You are sleeping with a totally stranger, you have absolutely no
idea if it even is worth the effort and besides that you don’t even know if you
find a ‘victim’ if you want to. When one of these one nightstands proposed to
meet more often just to have sex, it seemed to me a great idea.
He
wasn’t unattractive and the sex was good. Besides that, I could have a normal
conversation with him, so we also did stuff together that didn’t include having
sex. After a while it became a weekly visit, where we decided on the spot if we
would satisfy each other’s needs or just have a nice afternoon together.
But it
also had a big disadvantage. Before we made this arrangement, we didn’t think
of the other side of the story. Feelings started to develop, one sided. This
offcourse caused a difficult situation, so we decided to stop. We wanted to
stay friends and so we kept hanging out together. After a few times, the
inevitable happened and we had sex like we always used to have. This changed
everything between us, because we noticed that our deal like it once existed no
longer worked. The friendship we built up didn’t work anymore, because one felt
more than the other. We couldn’t hang out with each other as uncomplicated,
free and unbound like we used to. At first we kept in touch occasionally, where
we would meet in public places to make the temptation as small as possible.
Eventually also this occasional contact stopped, our friendship seemed not to
be resistant to the temptation.
Even
after this experience, I seemed to fall back on a ‘fuckbuddy’ every now and
then. My opinion is that having a ‘fuckbuddy’ has advantages as well as
disadvantages. If this is something you like and you experience the same
advantages and disadvantages is up to you and the person who may be your
‘fuckbuddy’. That’s why I have put here the advantages and disadvantages like I
have experienced them through the years.
Advantages: You get the milk for free, so don’t
need to buy the whole cow (you get sex, but have no relationship/obligations).
You got one sexual partner, instead
of changing ones. This has the advantage that it lessens the risk of a STD,
when off course you perform safe sex. Also you are more familiar with each
others wishes and needs.
You
aren’t dependant on if you can actually hook up with someone, you just need to
find a time that both are available.
Disadvantages: You are kind of ‘off the market’. Most
people don’t look for a different relationship once they got a ‘fuckbuddy’.
Feelings can develop. These can be
on both sides, but usually they are onesided. This can ruin friendships.
Not
everyone is open for this kind of friendships, which mean people can judge you
on this in their eyes inappropriate behavior.
The ideal solution or doomed to fail?
This is
to decide for everyone himself. I can only say that the experience as described
above, was the first in a series of several. Not one of them turned out to be a
great success after all. Though this hasn’t stopped me from having another one,
when I felt the need and had the opportunity.
What I
did do was change my expectations. At first I thought this kind of agreement
between friends didn’t come with a prize and could go on unlimited. This turned
out to be a complete unrealistic expectation. If you are making such an
agreement, be aware that this most often costs you the friendship and that it
always is something temporary. Sooner or later feelings develop. These can be
for the person you are having sex with, but it can also happen you develop
feelings for someone else and therefore want to call off the agreement. This
off course can also happen to the other one and then you might be disappointed.
Anyway,
is it therefore doomed to fail? I don’t think so. I think that if you are clear
with each other about the various consequences that can occur because of this and
how to handle them, it can be a temporary ideal solution to a luxury problem. I
say luxury problem, because having sex is not something that is necessary to
survive, even though some may think it is.
Conclusion
It has it’s advantages and disadvantage, but if you are
aware of them and make agreements with the partner in question, than you can
have a really nice time. But most of all do what you like yourself.
I am curious what your oppinion and/or experiences are.
